


The First Death of Sasuke

by mumbled_jumbles



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, But nobody actually cares, Gen, Itachi Loves Sasuke, Itachi is too young to be reading porn, M/M, Mikoto has road rage, Sasunaru pre-slash, That doesn't mean he can't torment him, Uchiha Sasuke-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2019-07-27 20:11:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16226465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mumbled_jumbles/pseuds/mumbled_jumbles
Summary: Modern AU.  Sasuke really wasn't expecting to become another child mortality statistic, but the orange pits of hell in front of his very eyes are the only proof he needs of his demise.In other words, Sasuke begins kindergarten, Mikoto is a loving mother (when she isn't busy tormenting pedestrians), Naruto is his usual hyperactive self, and Itachi enjoys life way more than any preteen should.





	1. a context of stupidity

**Author's Note:**

> This story is mine but the characters are NOT (with the exception of that poor old lady). And, um, this is also my first fic! So reviews would be greatly appreciated! The chapters are short, but that's how I think: in short bursts of inspiration, so bear with me, I guess?  
> -Rose

Sasuke's first day of school starts off remarkably unremarkable. Like most things in the world, it is tainted by copious amounts of stupidity, but that's nothing new, especially when his genius older brother is positively dripping with the detested substance.

 

Sasuke's mother drives him to school, and to his dismay Itachi gleefully accompanies them, making all sorts of stupid comments about how time passes by so quickly and repeatedly poking Sasuke on the forehead. Sasuke decides then and there that it is not becoming for Uchihas to smile, particularly Uchihas named Itachi. When the black sports car (its sleek exterior skillfully hiding the stupidity inside) parks in front of the school, Sasuke exits as fast as he can, a deep and menacing scowl etched onto his face. He is greeted by a large and chaotic mass of children and their parents swarming around like demented bugs in front of the main entrance. Many of the parents are embracing their kids and needlessly slobbering all over—sorry, _kissing_ their foreheads. Sasuke shudders in disgust, and turns back to look one last time at his own family, grateful that they aren't publicly humiliating him.

 

That gratefulness recedes to horror when he realizes that his mother is softly gazing at those slobber-covered children with fondness, and is speedily getting out of the car. The delight in his brother's eyes confirms his suspicions.

 

 _Fuck,_ Sasuke mutters. He accidentally overheard his brother using that word, once, and said brother made him promise not to repeat it. But what Itachi doesn't know can't hurt him, right? Besides, it seems like the most appropriate word to describe his emotions (just because he doesn't _show_ them doesn't mean they don't _exist)_ as he watches his mother rush toward him…a terrifying expression of love marring her noble features.

 

He briefly considers hiding in the crowd of brainless kindergarteners and their equally brainless parents, but dismisses the thought when he thinks about all of the pathogens they probably carry. He'd probably catch some sort of _disease._

 

So, Sasuke desperately scans his brain for something, _anything_ to prevent his mother's lips from touching his forehead, which is accumulating more sweat by the second.

 

"Ijustrememberedyoulefttheovenon!" he hastily says. Then he inwardly curses, because what if his mother misunderstands his babled excuse and thinks he said something like, "Please shower me with hugs and kisses and germs"?. Luckily, Mikoto, whose motherhood has made her effectively omnipotent, has long since become fluent in the language of Sasuke Mumble.

 

Her face blanches (which is a feat in itself), as she considers the consequences of burning down a house worth several million dollars. "Shit! I didn't realize!" She runs back towards the car, hugs and kisses momentarily forgotten.

 

Sasuke lets out a breath he'd been unconsciously holding. Would that little fib have consequences? Definitely. But why worry about that? Isn't one supposed to live in the moment?

 

Sasuke squares his shoulders and gracefully weaves his way through the crowd. In an admirable exhibition of courage and presence of mind, he wills down the noises of disgust that wrench their way up his throat at the revolting sight of snotty children and the rancid smell of unbrushed teeth.

 

_Kindergarten, here I come!_

 

* * *

 

Several yards away, Itachi continues to observe the situation with amusement. He happily waves at Sasuke, as Mikoto starts the car again.

 

Of course this amusement gives way to a fear for his life as his mother aggressively swerves between lanes, honking and cutting sleepy drivers off. _Darn,_ he thinks, mournfully, as another "fucking idiot that shouldn't be allowed near a cell phone" flips them off and yells some obscenity, to which Mikoto readily responds. _The last words I will ever hear in my twelve-year old life will come from a foul-mouthed stranger. Or my foul-mouthed mother… The latter is probably worse…_

 

Itachi's thoughts are interrupted by an obnoxious screeching sound. He immediately scans the sky for large and exotic birds, then realizes that the horrible racket is coming from an elderly woman who is angrily brandishing her cane at their car, as she makes her way across the crosswalk in front of them.

 

"You almost hit me, you fucking imbecile!" The cane comes dangerously close to the car window, mere centimeters away from shattering the tinted glass. Itachi almost flinches. Almost. Speaking of almost, the woman seems to notice that she has almost demolished their—very expensive—windshield and that her retirement savings may not be sufficient to replace the vehicle, if such a disaster were to take place. She resorts to waving her weapon/walking device with a more carefully controlled rage.

 

But never mind all of that. The point is, the cane can't exactly help the old lady walk if it is in the air. Itachi watches with an apprehensive trepidation as the walk signal on the crosswalk monitor is replaced by a countdown and the woman continues to slowly shuffle down the street. He doesn't particularly want to be a murder witness. When the countdown reaches _10, 9, 8_ , and the hobbled squaw is still within striking distance of their car, Mikoto rolls down her window and Itachi braces himself for the worst.

 

"Put that cane back on the ground, you senile hag!" She bellows. "Before I run over your shriveled toes!"

 

Itachi winces, as said hag elicits a particularly shrill squawk. She also, however, appears to realize that Mikoto's words are in no way hyperbolic, and grudgingly increases her pace.    

 

The light turns green and the sleek black sports car speeds away from the intersection. Itachi's ears marginally sag, immensely grateful for a temporary period of relative peace and quiet.

 

Emphasis on temporary.

 

In a rare display of pain, Itachi actually has to place his hands on his ears, when his mother runs into the kitchen and, after about two and a half seconds, proceeds to bellow, "SSAASSUUKKEE!"

 

He's certain that even the Martians can hear her. _Darn. My mother just alerted extraterrestrial life that we exist. Now, when the inevitable alien invasion occurs, the Uchiha will be blamed._

 

Fortunately, Itachi is a genius, and if anyone can devise a plan to counter an alien invasion, its him.


	2. a momentous collision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, guys! Chapter 2 is up! (There was really no need to say that, was there?) I don't own any of the characters in this chapter, but I do own the story and plot and such. Which isn't much, lol. Again, reviews are greatly appreciated. I feel like I may have dragged some of the scenes in this chapter out too long; feel free to confirm or contradict this. Thanks for the support!  
> -Rose

Meanwhile, at his new school, Sasuke is going through the tedious and troublesome process of disillusionment. It is becoming increasingly apparent that what people say about the world and the world itself are two very different entities.

  
  
For example, people say that school will make you smarter, but as the day progresses, Sasuke only grows more confused.

  
  
The first paradoxes of life (well, kindergarten, technically, so...yeah, life) make themselves obvious as soon as he steps inside of his classroom. On the bright side, the classroom is easy to find because the kindergarten area is separated from the rest of Konoha Elementary School, supposedly to provide a transition phase for the kindergarteners, since this is the first time attending school for many of them. OK. Sasuke can deal with—even understand—that.

  
  
But, on the dark side...well there isn’t really a dark side, so to speak.

 

The classroom is very bright.

 

Very, very bright.

 

Very, very, very bright.

 

Very, very, very, very—too bright.

 

His ears are already ringing with the sound of screaming and crying children, his nose is protesting against the smell of stinky feet and an unhygienic environment in general, and now his eyes are headed on an inescapable track towards blindness. (Which already runs in his family. Wonderful.) And how is he supposed to see the fruits of knowledge if he's blind?

  
  
The floor is covered with a rug with alternating squares of color. Sasuke would describe it as a sort of checkered pattern, except he’s pretty sure that most conventional checker boards are only comprised of two colors, as opposed to every color of the rainbow and more.

  
  
The walls are littered with posters, ranging from the alphabet to anti-bullying posters, as well as strange pieces of paper covered in chaotic scribbles. Sasuke muses over what they could be...He initially guesses that they are drawings by former students, but upon peering more closely at the unsightly combinations of lines and smudges, he decides that this cannot possibly be the case. 

  
  
There are decorations hanging from the ceiling—for what purpose, Sasuke isn’t sure, because as far as he knows, the next major holiday coming up is Halloween and none of the decorations are black (unfortunately) or orange, which is a good thing, he supposes. As hideous as the hodgepodge of hues surrounding him is, thank God almighty that there is only a minimal amount of orange—the most hideous color of them all.

 

Unfortunately, Fate chooses this moment to mock Sasuke and disintegrate any hope he has left in this universe with a snap of its (metaphorical) fingers and an evil (metaphorical) guffaw.

 

 _“Muahahahaha,”_ Fate guffaws, pushing its thumb and middle finger together with a malicious smile.

 

There is one last beautiful moment of silence and grace.

 

Years later, in an obscure bar, Sasuke will reminisce about this moment with a complete stranger. “Yes,” he will say, in the signature monotone voice he uses around everyone (except for his stupid brother and his stupid best friend/lover whose name will not be disclosed right now). “I will cherish that moment forever and ever. It wasn’t a _good_ moment by any means; I mean, it was just another moment in a crappy day. But it was also the last moment before the course of my childhood—no, my life—was irreversibly changed…”

 

The complete stranger will be a little weirded out by the random remark, sure, but also a little intrigued. They may be a student of philosophy, examining what really defines a person’s life, and could use Sasuke as a means of obtaining anecdotal evidence for their doctorate dissertation. Besides—let’s face it—the brooding man is hot. Like, super duper hot. Like, WOW, who knew it was even possible to be that hot? So even if Sasuke’s life story is a teeny bit dumb, the complete stranger will gladly listen to the tale if it means they get to spend a few more seemingly endless minutes staring into his dark, intoxicating orbs.

 

“Well, what happened?” the stranger will ask, discreetly motioning to the bartender to bring another round of drinks. “It was terrible,” Sasuke will reply, his tone severe. “I was standing alone, minding my own business like a respectable human being...when _it_ happened.”

 

“When what happened?”

 

“ _It._ The collision. The most horrible, _momentous_ collision one could ever have...”

 

It is the first day of school. Remarkably unremarkable. Tainted with copious amounts of stupidity, but that’s nothing new. He is analyzing what seems to be the ancient runes of some primitive and thoughtless creature. Itachi is not present, thankfully. The ceiling decorations are not orange, thankfully.

 

It is a beautiful moment, full of silence and ponderance and acceptance.

 

That is, until a large Thing barrels into Sasuke’s back, rudely interrupting the peace.

 

The collision is very momentous. It actually significantly changes Sasuke’s momentum as the barbaric Thing has both a great mass and great velocity. The course of Sasuke’s life is quickly and irreversibly directed towards the floor. What’s worse, the collision is inelastic, meaning that the Thing falls directly on top of Sasuke, pining his form to the ground and knocking the wind out of him.

 

When Sasuke finally regains his breath and finds enough energy to turn his head to face the offender, he cannot contain his gasp of horror.

 

It seems that Sasuke has died and gone to Hell.

 

A flurry of panicked thoughts flurry through his probably-concussed brain, the first and foremost being: _Crap! Even in the afterlife I’ll have to deal with my stupid brother!_

 

And the second being: _What in the_ world _did I do to deserve this?_

 

In a final act of desperation and despair, Sasuke closes his eyes and even goes as far as to pray to God Almighty. It is an...odd sensation, praying, since he and his family rarely refer to the Good Lord, except to complain and curse him.

 

This being said, apparently God has not forgiven Sasuke for constantly stating His name in vain, because when Sasuke reopens his eyes, he is still greeted by the most hellish sight he has ever seen in his five-almost-six years of life.

 

(And that's including the time that he caught Itachi giggling in his bedroom. He appeared to be skimming the pages of some book...Ichi Ichi, was it? Or Icha Icha…?)

 

When Sasuke reopens his eyes, his entire line of vision is occupied by a hideous and blinding...orange.

 

No, wait. Correction. There’s a tan face with blindingly blue eyes and a head of blindingly yellow hair there, too. (Sasuke briefly wonders if dead people can go blind.)

 

The tan face also has a mouth. The mouth is talking.

 

“Sorry!” The mouth rambles. “But, you know, it was mostly your fault, since you were in the way! So, sorry, uh—what’s your name, again? I’m Naruto! Uzumaki, Naruto, believe it!” The mouth then continues on to idiotically blabber about some other nonsensical topic. It reeks, distinctly, of week-old fish. 

 

Sasuke wants to die, then remembers that he’s already dead.


End file.
